It's like as soon as I start to develop my thinking process, something automatically diverts it. The sad part is, once I forget what I was doing, I won't ever go back to it. Ever. This is why my blogs are never fully finished. This is why I have SO. MANY. BLOGS. No wonder I never really have people read my shit, it's never a full fucking thought. It's always just rambling. Fucking ramblings man. And it's sad, because my brain is like this all the time. Always working. Always thinking. Neverfuckingending.
Triggers.
Triggers are a funny thing. It could be a look, a smell, a quick little thought that you hardly remember. A trigger can be anything, and as soon as that trigger is pulled it's just a downward spiral from there. As we all know though, where there are triggers there are crutches. I have a lot of crutches, it seems I can't stand on my own. I know we're supposed to crawl before we run, but my brain automatically says, no - screams, "RUN" but when I try to, I can't even manage to move one leg. It's as though I forgot how to crawl. Crutches, a hell of a thing.
MYGod
THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING HOLDING THIS TOGETHER.
^what the fuck does that sentence mean?
My current relationship. Uncertainties a mother f-ing killing.
I wish I could just open up a random person's head just to see and comprehend their thought pattern.
Thought pattern. Process. Thinking...thinking thinking thinking. I'm constantly wondering about this, does anyone else in Blogger land...talk to themselves? Now I know we all probably talk to themselves...but it's more complicated than that.
It's more like when you're alone, thinking, constantly thinking about anything and everything...and out of nowhere it just...stops. You continue on with whatever you were doing, but minutes later, you're talking to yourself. Out loud. And it's not like you're talking to yourself, more like you're...talking to someone. You're probably saying, "Danielle is absolutely bonkers." But God, I really fucking hope not. I was diagnosed Manic/Depressive in 2008/2009...I was on medication...for about a month. I don't like the way they make me feel or act. I don't feel...like me. It's funny, I won't take any prescription drugs, yes I will willingly participate in recreational drugs.
I don't know what I'm trying to get out. I feel like shit. Pure shit and I know exactly why. Oh Triggers, how I loathe you so. Normally when I feel like this I would either fuck someone, get drunk, smoke pot, or beautify my body with a tattoo or piercing. I have none of these. Zero. The boyfriend is so glued to Diablo III that I don't even bother trying to seek attention from him. I stopped drinking alcohol because I have acid reflex, from binge drinking. Weed, we're all out and I'm too fucking broke to walk into a parlor. Awesome. I can't forget, this won't leave my mind.
Isn't it amazing how we can forget so fast about something, yet when it's completely shitty...it never fucking leaves our mind. And even when we've forgotten all about it days later there's still that small scrap of whats left of it. And you know it's there, you just can't find it. Why? because it's matted on the floor of your brain, waiting for you to walk on it. Get stuck to the bottom of your shoe, for you to find later, and remember. That's the constant shitty feeling, at least in my perspective.
I have so much to fucking say, and no one who will listen.
So Blogger, I've turned to you.
Even if no one gives feedback, at least you'll have something to look back on.
I'm 22 years old.
Been living in Florida for a year.
My life is a tornado, randomly throwing shit at people who walk my path.
I need help.
